Satire; Michael Gunner Announces Homosexuality Mandate & Comes Out As Gay

DARWIN, NT— The Northern Territory Chief Minister has made a surprise announcement at his first press conference of the month. Many expected him to detail the latest information about the growing COVID-19 outbreak in the NT. However, he spoke mostly on a new mandate.

He briefly mentioned that information before mumbling a few words about “anti-vaxxers” and his son. He paused for a moment and then made a loud outburst. “I’m sick of f***ing around!“, he shouted and then he took a deep breath.

“I’m proud to announce the latest measure to ensure the rights of the gay and lesbian community are protected here in the Northern Territory”, he read from a piece of paper. “From the 1st of January 2022, all 16s and over are required to have had at least one act of homosexual intercourse and from 18th of February 2022, which is Mardi Gras Day, you must have had two acts.” He tried to read the rest of the script on his paper before giving up as he didn’t know how to pronounce the acronym “LGBTQQIP2SAA”.

“F**ck it!”, he screamed. “Just go root a poof or a carpet-muncher, okay?” He then gestured for his favourite journalist to ask him a question and showing rainbow paint on his right hand.

“This is a tremendous leap for LGBTQQIP2SAA rights. What do you have to say to those who oppose it?”, the reporter asked flawlessly without skipping a beat on any letter.

“Don’t be a show off, you little s**t. All these fancy homosexual words, why do we need them?”, the Chief Minister replied. “Back in my day, we just called them poofs and we beat them up behind the sports shed because we knew they always sucked at sport.”

He then realised his mistake by admitting that fact and turned as white as Malcolm ‘The Ghost’ Turnbull. After a few seconds he started to pronounce the following.

If you are anti-mandate, you are absolutely anti-gay. I don’t care what your personal sexuality is.

If you support, champion, give a green light, give comfort to, support anybody who argues against homosexuality, you are anti-gay, you are a homophobe. Absolutely. Your personal sexuality is utterly irrelevant.

If you campaign against the mandate, if you campaign against people being gay in vulnerable settings, teachers in classrooms, I’ll be really clear, at that point in time, people are actually supporting the idea of a teacher being straight in a remote community classroom. With kids who cannot have a sexuality.

I reject that utterly, and I still reject it. And if you are out there in any way shape or form campaigning against this mandate you are absolutely anti-gay; you homophobe. So, therefore, I am coming out as gay. We all will be coming out as gay or lesbian; is tis compulsory.

If you say pro-equality, have sex with who you want, stuff it. Shove it! We are absolutely going to make sure as many Territorians as possible are having homosexual sex, that is our best protection against this thing disgusting thing called homophobia.

And if you look at the Joel Creasey modelling that has only come out since, that says if you have two acts of homosex from 80% of the population in remote communities, fifteen and up, I think you’ll see our homosex mandate is absolutely crucial to protect homosexuals, particularly Aboriginal ones. And I will never back away from supporting homosexual sex and anyone out there who comes for the mandate, you are anti-gay; you disgusting homophobe.

Michael Gunner

The room was stunned. No one had heard such an impassioned speech since Adolf Hitler. Whilst the no one said a word, Michael Gunner slipped out of the room to head to his office to get on the beers.

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